Yesterday morning I had a very clear feeling that everything that is; including all that we judge as horribly awful and unjust was .....expressing...and if it is expressing then it is transforming....so all was good....nothing to change...to push...to work at...to direct...to control and to shape into something it isn't...
In my experience that is what causes pain....when I push away from what is.....when I try to make something...something it isn't....
This morning....I wake up from dreams that have helped me bring deeper; unconscious; beliefs and hidden pain...to the surface....about how I in the past I abandoned myself...rejected myself ....took myself out relationships....and situations.....
I am writing to have more clarity....
In one dream I find out that my spouse is seeing someone....spending time with them....it doesn't seem to be any mention of sex...hwv it is someone that has brought some pleasure and contentment to him....and had kept it from me.... it was someone that was not me....in more ways than one...someone I could not be.... She was blond; and French Quebecois....and they were working on either a song or a play...I can't remember about the Quebec culture....experience from the Quebecois point of view...something I cannot do....am not...
I am born in France....and have lived in a mostly Anglophone world since we moved to Canada 40 yrs ago....up until 3 yrs ago and since my partner of course....of 7 yrs next month...came into my life...although he is a very bilingual person like me; living in limbo quite easily between the French and English world we live in..... we speak interchangingly from one language to the other together....
So in this dream when I find out that my man has been spending time with someone that I cannot compete with...cannot be in any way.... I fall into a deep despair...and painful spin of powerlessness....the pain was atrocious... and I give him an ultimatum.... I see how this encounter brings him joy...and contentment... yet I cannot bear that it isn't coming from me....that I am not enough....that I am incomplete.....
In my real life experience of my ex husband having a long time mistress during 3 years of our marriage....as well as a short lived adventure with someone close to me..... I felt the same atrocious pain....despair and powerlessness....and pulled away....there was no other choice....but to pull away in my experience.....Even though I tried to work things out....to find ways to make it work......when the whole truth came out...which took close to a year to be revealed...I felt like someone had cut off my legs....my torso... that all that I had believed in...that I had put my efforts and energy towards keeping in my life....was taken away ....EVERYTHING in my life changed.....EVERYTHING was not what I thought it was.... EVERYTHING had betrayed me...I HAD BETRAYED MYSELF...into believing in all those things and all those people... believing those were the things that were going to take care of me; make me happy; protect me....that my choices were ones that would 'do it' for me....Marriage, FAMILY, job, money...... the people I chose to take care of me and that I loved and looked up to the most.... None of it had worked....I lost it all in an instant....although it took me a long time to notice....that I was still standing....I was still whole...
So this dream....woke up the memory of that experience and all the others of feeling betrayed; abandoned and rejected......except I was witness to the horrible pain...It was precisely the same as the real life one...and noticed that my choice was a desperate one.....of removing myself....throwing everything away... and that ...that was the painful process... that I was desperately in pain from feeling like I was in a dead end....I remember and feel that horrible pain again.....of facing a very painful dead end.....no going back....as everything was not as I thought....and I could no longer lie to myself.....and going forward in the only direction and choice I thought was possible was too horribly painful.... The direction I chose was to pull myself out completely.....it was all or nothing....all the rose coloured illusions.....or nothing....I could not accept that my life was not as I thought it should be...that I was not who I thought I was.... so it all went out with the bath water....all of it... I rejected every part of myself...and of my past....thinking it was all invaluable....unreal.....wrong....bad....
Take the rose coloured glasses off and it all becomes black or white....
In the dream as the dreamer watching...I the character...I felt pain of the character....my pain...and I noticed how I had another choice than the one I took....I noticed that I was eradicating everything....losing everything..... I was taking myself out.... giving my spouse an ultimatum....it is her or I....and not having had a response yet I was already gone....feeling like I was leaving my life with him....for a life of complete misery...because I could not imagine a life without him....a me without him......
I woke up with feeling like I was unjust with myself...throwing everything away... because I felt I was not enough....that I was incomplete......
I recently took myself out of my relationship with my daughter....because I felt I was not enough...for her...incomplete...that there was no room for me....everything else being more important...family with her father; friends; work; and a new love interest...and soon university.....there is no room for an annoying mother who lives her life just expressing...my pace is slow; feeling and expressing...and hers is fast and furious and doing.... I once again pulled back....all or nothing....
Maybe it is an instinct of feeling like I should be everything for her....and if I am not....if I can not be...then I am nothing...
If I was not everything to my ex husband....her father....if other women were filling some other roles....filling in the holes I could not fill...then I was nothing....
If I could not be all to my spouse in my dream....then I was nothing...
It's all or nothing...... I am an expansive being.. I am everything.....or I am nothing...
If I am everything; everything is me... then everything is nothing....or everything.....
This makes no sense....and at the same time...I feel like it is everything...
