I have been fighting the very basic reality of life for an eternity. And when I think about it; it makes me feel pretty stupid because it is so obvious that it’s the nature of things.....duh....
Did you ever think about the fact that things can never stay permanently clean, beautiful, and perfect? Things can stay dirty; old and decrepit...however they cannot stay perfectly brilliant and new.....I mean you buy a new car and it looks awesome for the first few years and eventually it won’t be new anymore right? No duh!
Anything we buy eventually gets older; dirty; tarnishes unless you don’t use it and you keep shinning it; and out of the process of oxidization.... it won’t stay in the same state forever. So why do we have these expectations that things stay the same; that thing stay beautiful and shinny and clean? Why do we have expectations that we stay young, thin and beautiful forever? Age happens....we get mileage and usage out of our bodies and it eventually shows.
I am so angry at myself for creating some crazy unrealistic ideas in my head that I was going to stay young and beautiful or rather that I should forever; that my material things should stay perfectly the same as when I first buy them. Like my new lap top it is shiny and clean and functional and I feel this constant tension inside me that there is something I should be doing to keep it that way; like there is a way to keep it from being affected by usage and time. I have dropped it several times because of this apparent tension. I never dropped my old lap top; this one 3 times in a matter of 8 months and the last time it fell the casing cracked on the edge! It no longer looks new; it really looks used and thankfully for some reason it still works perfectly! I know some part of me has been trying to get my attention trying to get me to see the reality of life. We have a new car this year and I backed it up into my boss’s trailer; a low flat platform which I could not see and the sensors on the car did not pick up. It left a small straight line mark scratching into the paint; on top of the bumper and my boss said “well it’s not new anymore!”. Another day he saw a small round dent on top of the hood; it’s like something fell from the sky or someone banged on it with their fist; neither I nor my man (the owner of the brand new car!) had any idea of how it happened and again my boss said “well it’s not new anymore”. I guess he must have the same issue of not accepting the reality of change and age. He use to be a champion skier as a member of the Olympic Canadian ski team....reality hit hard at a young age when all the glory and attention from the world came to an abrupt halt; from being a somebody fully supported and provided for by the Canadian Olympic team; travelling the world; being in the lime light to a nobody over night just because things change; age happens and the lime lights are turned towards other new young champions.
Turning the stage back to me: at 47 years old you can imagine that I have cleaned house a few times over a life time; especially when visitors are on their way. It always frustrates me to not be able to keep a house clean; like it’s somehow possible without a huge amount of effort. I have always had this unrealistic tension inside that I am failing because I am not able to keep a house clean; neat and looking perfectly unlived in. Of course there is one incessant irritation that just keeps getting worse with time: it is of keeping me and my body looking new, tight, shinny, young and soft like a baby. I have been fighting with myself my whole life in trying to create the impossible, never once questioning myself if it was even a realistic expectation! In the last three years I have stopped battling and struggling in trying to stay young and thin and looking 20 in my 40’s allowing myself to eat what I want like never before and letting go of all forced and disciplined sports and activities in the hopes of fighting against time and nature. I have let nature take its course....yet part of me, I am shameful to admit, still has fairy tale hopes that maybe that was the secret to staying young...that to stop fighting nature would keep me young! Uhmmm did I stop to think that nature IS taking its course no matter what efforts I take on to try and hide it?....That means I am getting older and gravity has been taking effect for quite some time; big boobs get real tired of looking perky and upbeat; real fast...I am getting fatter and flabbier gravity too showing in the direction the flab hangs and the grey hairs are coming in more and more as well as the wrinkles. Since I am not dyeing my hair; wearing less make up than ever (none most days); nor spending lots of time at the gym nor at any effort of pushing against the reality of what my body is right now in my life and since I make no effort to stop myself from eating things I desire that are forbidden if your looks are more important than your pleasure; I get to face the truth a little more head on. It amazes me how as a society we all collude in this lie that we should all look 20 or at least 30 forever and have all these gimmicks and formulas and techniques for doing so. I just realised that I have a fear my sisters might hate me because I am the youngest by 3 and 6 years and the fact that I am showing my greys and my loosening body quite openly prevents whatever efforts they are putting into looking and staying young by the way side: their youngest little sister is getting old before their very eyes; so obviously so are they by a factor of 3 and 6 years!
Since I am not hiding my natural aging like most everyone around does, I have this fear that I am getting older faster; that at 47 I look and feel like a little old lady of 74! Une madame en bon Québécois! And that’s not madame as in keeper of a brothel although the ones that do are usually passed their prime and a little decrepit....I feel young and look old. Instead of losing weight I keep gaining and that doesn’t make me look younger...I guess it makes me look my age yet most women my age are working hard not looking their age! What is wrong with me...?? I stopped fighting my true nature a few years back and I never realised that it involved not fighting my age...and its effect on my body. I had not really thought about the fact that if you stop hiding what is....it shows!! I was hoping I had the secret of staying young by not fighting nature! What a contradiction and how ridiculous is that!
Why is every single person on this earth or at least everyone I know; so persistent in fighting reality? We all collude in this lie that we should and somehow can be perfectly perfect all the time! Why do we have these horribly unfair expectations of ourselves to be perfectly beautiful, young, smart, witty, smiling, happy, pleasant, friendly, rich and shiny clean and nice all the time when it is so not the nature of things!???? Anything that takes a huge amount of effort to create: IS FIGHTING THE NATURE OF THINGS! THE NATURE OF WHAT IS...Oh I see whenever we push hard and fight hard; putting lots of effort into something; it is not to face that thing we are trying to fight against....age, being poor, being alone, being useless, being a nobody, being stupid (going to school!), not important etc...
Not only am I fighting the nature of my getting older; as well as the fact of my not being interested in pushing and struggling against myself in every aspect of my being; I am also fighting the reality that my daughter is 20 and on her way of creating a life away from me; a life of her own without a mother in her way all the time finding out if she is ok and fine and should she need anything. I have not wanted to see that I am more of a pain when I am ready to jump to fill her every need at any moment; than helpful.... I have been fighting and resisting the fact that my motherhood has also come to a halt and that my baby is not a baby anymore. Why so much effort to keep things small and as they are? Why fight so hard against the reality of impermanence and of constant change? Fear of the unknown keeps us trapped in places that no longer serve us and atrophies the potential of much greater things....I don’t know why but this all makes me think of the ancient Chinese method of binding women’s feet....trying to force them to stay small....and how damaging that was to the feet and apparently their balance as well.....
