As a result women and men don't have an opportunity to take responsibility for how they create to be victims; or perpetrators; for for their inner monsters they instead project and blame the other for all that goes wrong in their lives...For women : for all the restrictions...and oppressions...They men are assholes....they are what prevents them from doing what they want...they are the ones that hurt them...they are the ones that keep them small and stupid......because they supposedly are the stronger ones...the ones with the power over our lives; ...and to keep them strong and make them feel like men we gotta keep acting like we are weak....and if we are weak we need strong men to protect us and take care of us! Men have to keep acting tough, strong and mean to protect the women.....And so the vicious circle goes on and on...
This is what I want to say to me the victim...the girl...the woman whose played that game:
OWN UP TO IT GIRL!!! You are the creator of your life and whatever you have attracted and created YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR!! Not your daddy....Sure you have been influenced by your upbringing...your DNA...sure you bought into some of the lies that your momma was pure, loving generous and good to everyone and your dad was mean, strict, an asshole, unloving and a miser.... Yet your dad was very involved in his family's well being....constantly worried about everyone's health...sure he was a fucken pain in the ass as he imposed everything...you had no choice; it was his way or he nagged you to death....hwv you played that game...you went along...you all did. He put a lot of effort into going out of his way to buy organic groceries in the only health food store in Montreal at the time.... far away from where you lived....for the welfare and wellbeing of his family....he made you exercise...go out and get fresh air...spend weekends as a family in nature....on hikes, in the mountains, by the sea...oh poor you, you were forced to ski, sail and snorkel....swim in deep open waters...boot camp à la Club Med...too many family vacations, and family time...you needed an ogre to tone down the fun some...I feel like such an ingrate sometimes thinking about all the efforts he put into trying to give us the best he could; yet because he too did not feel deserving of his family who loved him and all the time we had together he created like us to keep a distance by being a sargent major...to play down the pleasure a few notches...
OWN UP TO IT GIRL!!! You are the creator of your life and whatever you have attracted and created YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR!! Not your daddy....Sure you have been influenced by your upbringing...your DNA...sure you bought into some of the lies that your momma was pure, loving generous and good to everyone and your dad was mean, strict, an asshole, unloving and a miser.... Yet your dad was very involved in his family's well being....constantly worried about everyone's health...sure he was a fucken pain in the ass as he imposed everything...you had no choice; it was his way or he nagged you to death....hwv you played that game...you went along...you all did. He put a lot of effort into going out of his way to buy organic groceries in the only health food store in Montreal at the time.... far away from where you lived....for the welfare and wellbeing of his family....he made you exercise...go out and get fresh air...spend weekends as a family in nature....on hikes, in the mountains, by the sea...oh poor you, you were forced to ski, sail and snorkel....swim in deep open waters...boot camp à la Club Med...too many family vacations, and family time...you needed an ogre to tone down the fun some...I feel like such an ingrate sometimes thinking about all the efforts he put into trying to give us the best he could; yet because he too did not feel deserving of his family who loved him and all the time we had together he created like us to keep a distance by being a sargent major...to play down the pleasure a few notches...
Yes, I admit it he was very involved; maybe more than most fathers; in our nutrition; physical health from which he believed all wellbeing stemmed from.. Of course we wished he just get out of our faces because his fear of failure through all the pressure to be all powerful; protective; all knowing and strong for a gang of 4 females....plus his feeling unworthy and wrong as a man, as a father; created big time fears...and as a result to be in control and controlling. His pain of failing badly while trying so hard was too painful to watch; to be a part of....The reason we felt freer when he was not around....less tension; more fun...and dito for him as well...the pressure and tension must have been grueling for him to play this impossible role around us......Is this what kept the illusions of our: my mother, two sisters and I.....being victims of him..of being prisoners within his rule?... An illusion we kept alive well into adulthood; a time where he had no say in any of our decisions ...yet when we screwed up...when life was tough; when we felt powerless we cursed Him!! The God of our misery. Bringing this into our relationships....we perpetuated not taking responsibility for our own pain....and powerlessness of not being able to stop the vicious spiral of pain....where each one feels like they fail to make the other happy.
I hate the fact that it took me sooo long to take responsible for all the wrong doings in my life...that my pain of feeling so responsible; so wrong kept me from taking apart what I was responsible for and what I wasn't.... I hate that my taking so much responsibility for my father's pain and failure kept me at such a distance from him...and he of me...My father lived several very lonely years in isolation; living alone and disconnected from his family not being able to bear his own judgment of failure as a dad... He now lives across the ocean in France with a lovely companion. They share their lives caring for one another; she nurturing and caring for him through Parkinson's and all of its treasures and he with providing her a role which gives her a sense of worth and purpose. She too had lived alone for many years; like him feeling too responsible for others pain; protecting herself in isolation.
Have you noticed that the all powerful religious God which supposedly watches over our welfare and is responsible for all takes place in our lives...is male?
Well the God in my life is called Marie-Noëlle and she is responsible for all good and evil in my world that affects me.....she is the one that creates every iota of life in my universe...every thing I see and experience is a projection of her......of her inner world...her inner stirrings...of her beliefs...conscious and unconscious. I can not separate myself from anything that is in that universe...it is a part of who I am. I am both male and female....living in a female body having a female experience.
My father's authoritarian pain in the ass side was a projection of a part of me; the restrictive, controlling pain in the ass I am to me...the part that tells me all the time what I should or should not do and how to do it to be safe...with lots of limits, restrictions, inhibitions and judgments.....He is also the part of me that uses anger; aggression, verbal attacks, my ugliness and meanness to protect myself when I am feeling very vulnerable and scared and don't know how to protect myself in any other way....when I can't be with the judgment of my being weak and vulnerable ....
My mother is the part of me that has used being nice; nurturing, friendly in order to be safe...be nice to others ...be good and you won't be harmed....well in theory...however it doesn't stop you from hurting yourself now does it?! She is also the part of me that played the saint; who looked and acted morrally superior next to the immoral, unfaithful husbands we were married to... My mother was an extremely strong, loving, generous, woman with lots of character and charisma that could blow a tank apart! Yet around my father at times she played the role of a docile submissive wife...who acted like he was the one in charge; the one with the power; the strength and who made all the decisions including what we ate.....until she blew her top every couple of years..after having swallowed, pushed down far too long how she really felt...then you knew.....you saw...the monster...the strength...the power...and no one could get in the way of that! It was like we all pretended that my father was the meanest and baddest and strongest...and that we were afraid of him; just so he could feel like a man...because he so often did not feel man enough; strong enough....big enough...it was our way of loving him and he loved us back by being the scapegoat for all of our misery and by making my mother way more good, loving, positive and angel like by comparison. She thanks to him could do no wrong...he was and took all the blame...
To go further in my taking responsibility of the perpetrator/male inside myself...The rapists, criminals, murderers, madmen, dictators, oppressors are all me....as I have been all those things inside myself....oppressing parts of myself....dictating how to be or not to be...censoring who I am.....murdering, stealing, raping parts of myself I felt were unworthy to be seen or heard...Put all those oppressed parts together in an obscure confined cell within your unconscious and you have a madman wanting to explode! It seems that whenever I resist the truth of my ugliness; my fear; my weakness...this madman starts to shake inside me!
What irritates me really is my inability at times to take responsibility for what I create and when I get stuck at pointing the finger at the other....men, women whomever...Finally I am a victim of myself....and no one else.
I hate the fact that it took me sooo long to take responsible for all the wrong doings in my life...that my pain of feeling so responsible; so wrong kept me from taking apart what I was responsible for and what I wasn't.... I hate that my taking so much responsibility for my father's pain and failure kept me at such a distance from him...and he of me...My father lived several very lonely years in isolation; living alone and disconnected from his family not being able to bear his own judgment of failure as a dad... He now lives across the ocean in France with a lovely companion. They share their lives caring for one another; she nurturing and caring for him through Parkinson's and all of its treasures and he with providing her a role which gives her a sense of worth and purpose. She too had lived alone for many years; like him feeling too responsible for others pain; protecting herself in isolation.
Have you noticed that the all powerful religious God which supposedly watches over our welfare and is responsible for all takes place in our lives...is male?
Well the God in my life is called Marie-Noëlle and she is responsible for all good and evil in my world that affects me.....she is the one that creates every iota of life in my universe...every thing I see and experience is a projection of her......of her inner world...her inner stirrings...of her beliefs...conscious and unconscious. I can not separate myself from anything that is in that universe...it is a part of who I am. I am both male and female....living in a female body having a female experience.
My father's authoritarian pain in the ass side was a projection of a part of me; the restrictive, controlling pain in the ass I am to me...the part that tells me all the time what I should or should not do and how to do it to be safe...with lots of limits, restrictions, inhibitions and judgments.....He is also the part of me that uses anger; aggression, verbal attacks, my ugliness and meanness to protect myself when I am feeling very vulnerable and scared and don't know how to protect myself in any other way....when I can't be with the judgment of my being weak and vulnerable ....
My mother is the part of me that has used being nice; nurturing, friendly in order to be safe...be nice to others ...be good and you won't be harmed....well in theory...however it doesn't stop you from hurting yourself now does it?! She is also the part of me that played the saint; who looked and acted morrally superior next to the immoral, unfaithful husbands we were married to... My mother was an extremely strong, loving, generous, woman with lots of character and charisma that could blow a tank apart! Yet around my father at times she played the role of a docile submissive wife...who acted like he was the one in charge; the one with the power; the strength and who made all the decisions including what we ate.....until she blew her top every couple of years..after having swallowed, pushed down far too long how she really felt...then you knew.....you saw...the monster...the strength...the power...and no one could get in the way of that! It was like we all pretended that my father was the meanest and baddest and strongest...and that we were afraid of him; just so he could feel like a man...because he so often did not feel man enough; strong enough....big enough...it was our way of loving him and he loved us back by being the scapegoat for all of our misery and by making my mother way more good, loving, positive and angel like by comparison. She thanks to him could do no wrong...he was and took all the blame...
To go further in my taking responsibility of the perpetrator/male inside myself...The rapists, criminals, murderers, madmen, dictators, oppressors are all me....as I have been all those things inside myself....oppressing parts of myself....dictating how to be or not to be...censoring who I am.....murdering, stealing, raping parts of myself I felt were unworthy to be seen or heard...Put all those oppressed parts together in an obscure confined cell within your unconscious and you have a madman wanting to explode! It seems that whenever I resist the truth of my ugliness; my fear; my weakness...this madman starts to shake inside me!
What irritates me really is my inability at times to take responsibility for what I create and when I get stuck at pointing the finger at the other....men, women whomever...Finally I am a victim of myself....and no one else.
