I have been trying to find the part of me that feels badly for spending Christmas weekend in the hospital and all I can come up with is that I was relieved to have a reason not to be celebrating. It no longer has the meaning it use to; however I felt odd, weird in comparison to the rest of the world, so being in the hospital dealing with life and death was the best excuse not to.
I don't recognize myself. Who am I? Where am I heading?
I feel like I have been continuously deconstructing my inner vision which is in turn deconstructing my outer vision. What is real, what is an illusion? What is good, what is bad? Is there anything that is actually bad for me, that is actually meant to hurt me? Or is everything good and has a reason for being just by the mere fact that is it happening to me, even when it feels ultimately horribly bad and painful?
My life has taken a drastic turn and I feel constantly torn between feeling horrified and feeling privileged. How is it possible to live such an extreme contradiction all at once?
I was living la vida loca my way, living peacefully a life of leisure with only myself to look after and be responsible for, and spend all of my time just listening and being with parts of myself long neglected. In addition to sharing my life with a man who although quite different and opposite to me in many ways, is a perfect fit; someone with whom I could completely unravel myself with and discover who I am deeper and wider than with anyone. A man who like me has such a thirst for more of his freer, more authentic self.
An authentic self however is not all that we expect or hope it to be. It means giving a voice to many parts of ourselves we spend most of our life hiding, camouflaging, denying, and running away from. When you choose consciously to stop running away and stay to hear, listen and give room to those parts of yourself to express; it isn't always a very pretty picture nor is it a pleasant experience. There is a reason why we run and hide from those parts : they are pieces of our "self" we hate, judge and are repulsed by. We therefore neglect, reject and abandon these parts, hoping they will eventually just go away. We act as if and even convince ourselves to believe they do not exist, we are so ashamed of them. More profoundly we pretend we are devoid of them because we fear for our life, we fear these parts will be the end of us if denounced and seen.
Did we really need a heart attack and all that came with it, including the excruciating incessant panic attacks? Well if I had known it was coming I would have avoided it at all cost...and so would Normand, and well... maybe we tried for a while as it took 6 weeks to discover there had been a heart attack. Regardless, within this arduous painful experience; I can't help to see and feel the benefits. It is evident to me that unless Normand be in this precarious physical situation, he would never have been able to give a voice to all that has been expressing for the last 2 months plus...he would never have been conscious of the inner battle between what is perceived strength and weakness. The fragile, terrified voices long muffled and denied existence would remain silent and denied. They have been given the way out graciously because of his heart condition; which seems difficult for any doctor to describe and understand fully.
I personally have been through what feels like a living hell through which I have discovered a well of strength and tenacity. I have been in touch with the deepest parts of my despair, fear and powerlessness as well as my strength and ability to stay and be with tremendous suffering. This situation of crisis, of fear of losing the one person I can't live without, and of camping out in the hospital ie: the hotel of fear and suffering...has helped me be in touch with those parts of me stuffed and hidden deep inside. Voices believing I am worthless and powerless have been coming to the surface with the help of facing and being with the constant raw expression of suffering. I have been bathing in the truth of my being insufficient to protect myself and the ones I love from pain and suffering. Having the real experience of regardless of how much I try, regardless of how much I am willing: I am unable to prevent it from touching my life.
I went from an experience of feeling I was on top of the world, happy, fulfilled, and almost invincible to a close brush with death; feeling its breath hovering over me as the man I am united with in body and soul and my life as I knew it, came to very close call of coming to their end.
It may be that I will never get back to that life as it was; and that Normand may never be that physically strong and fit again. The future is unknown, unclear and has no guarantee. It may be that all that was, has had it's time and I/we lived it fully then and now we must be ready for something different. Such is life and reality: everything comes to an end, everything has it's time and it's place; we are creatures of change and transformation.
Normand is a man that exudes strength and calm. One had the sensation being around him that there was is no danger or crisis he could not face nor deal with. Although his physical strength has been affected tremendously and his spirit has been challenged at the deepest of level, I am witness to it being even more true. I am in awe of his ability to be with, with full wide open consciousness, to stay with his great pain and suffering, without withering or moving away much. I honestly would not have survived what he endured physically and emotionally both, feeling so openly and intensely the terror and the danger at hand.
With the reality of the situation and the urgency of the interventions I was forced to look at a possible future alone and all of it's implications. I was forced to look at a possible future spent caring for Normand especially when they erroneously had diagnosed 2 more heart attacks! I would not be the first nor the last. I one day will absolutely face death; mine or his first, that is the only guarantee of life no matter how dreary. The fantasy of living happily ever after, in a strong, healthy, young body forever is an extraordinary tale we tell ourselves.
When in the furry of survival, during a life's crisis we are brought to a state of oneness with the beat of our heart. Normand's heart witnessing the death of some of it's parts through myocardial infarction feeling weak and battered since no one knows how long, has finally had a voice to express all of it's stored fear of dying. An RCMP policeman does not fear or it is the death of himself or another. Believing the life and safety of many being in his hands, this man I love dearly, kept his cool zen like exterior in order to diffuse and control the most critical and dangerous of situations. Many experiences in the chaos of hate, violence, and imminent danger did he live. I can attest to it, never having been present as I have felt and even had visuals of what those were as they exited. His heart having been broken open and living a real in the moment experience of suffocating and fearing dying; given the right of expression; bled out every instant of fright and terror locked in. Screaming and wailing exposing the horror never allowed to show. It's been more than two months of freedom for those anxious terrifying memories and still coming.....overlapping the reality of the terror of the now heart failing and chocking. It is definite: the panic and anxiety attacks stop whenever his heart feels stronger and feels out of danger of dying.
I have been filled with terror just watching. The panic attacks, fear of dying expelling, with shortness of breath becoming hyperventilating or choking, with eyes of terror, face becoming purple, total loss of control; although only lasting less than a minute, their incessant repeating day and night, keeping us awake for days and weeks made me touch the limit of my being.
I keep feeling it unjust to have to deal with this terror on top of the reality of his weak heart and body. Why are we not able to just deal with the physical reality already difficult and given a chance to concentrate on rest and healing? Yet our connection to this terror expressing isn't it a step closer to the reality? Isn't it the voice of a heart long awaiting to be allowed to wail a life time of pain of it's fear and weakness denied? Isn't that the true healing?
For the parts of me fearing and doubting I am pretty sure the proof will be in the pudding...
I start this new year with an wider freer more open heart believing Normand's heart like him, although weaker in appearance has never been stronger and freer. The truth that our body is a temporary dwelling, is one I don't like facing. Regardless, I have faith that in whatever way we use this instrument body of ours; that we may judge in our human mind; it serves some much greater purpose.
I feel graced and tormented both by the truth of our path.
.png)
