Article on Solicitude for Le Tour Newspaper

The reflection of who I am in the mirror of who you are.
Solicitude is not a word that is part of my vocabulary; I have never used it in speech nor in writing, nevertheless, it is something I have engaged in for most of my waking moments. I grew up believing that to worry about others and focus on them rather than myself was synonymous with being loving. As a young girl I soon learned that an important part of my role in the world was to comfort and soothe others pain as well as to decipher their every need so that I could fulfill them, or at least try to. In truth taking on a role of such importance was essential to the parts of me that felt insignificant. At thirty I decided to make a career of it, seeing I was so gifted at being present to other people’s pain. My passion was ignited by the experience of using my own pain as a source of empowerment to grow and expand as an individual and developed fervour for helping others to do the same. I returned to university and studied psychology. With a master’s degree in counselling psychology I finally had a license to practice solicitude for a living! My inner struggles began during my internship as I stayed awake at night reliving the sessions with the students I was counselling; feeling their pain. I was torn; I did not want to lose my compassion and yet felt I could not survive if I continued to be so open. It was important for me to feel compassion and struggled with the idea of becoming that detached, unemotional and objective, therapist I thought my McGill professors wanted me to be. The Latin words tabula rasa: an erased tablet or blank slate, echoed in my mind. To stay real and allow myself to feel the flow of emotions that touched me personally in the moment did not seem to be an option. I was afraid to be incompetent and unconsciously chose to put on the mask of an expert who had it all together. It was obvious no one would want a professional therapist falling apart during their sessions! I had to somehow disguise the weight of the pain and the pressure to save others that I was putting on myself. My life experience has showed me since, that living fully my own emotions; allowing them to be and express, makes me feel more solid and present in the moment than when I kept them “under control” and hidden. After having experienced the discomfort of being a professional and human being that felt false and inadequate at times; it became crucial for me to be real and to look after my own emotional well being above all else. I have learned to accept that at times I feel inadequate and need to protect myself by hiding behind a mask, and that when I feel insignificant, I need to hide behind an illusion of importance through the role I play for others. There are times when I am not in touch with my inner power: my ability to take care of and protect myself from within. In those moments I need to believe in the illusion of being separate from the world; wanting to live in a fish bowl for fear of being hurt and affected by things outside of me. As I continuously grow and experience my ability to take care of myself, my perspective shifts gradually and naturally towards seeing myself more at the center of my own universe, where I am in my power and the outside world is helping me rather than harming me. The outside world is continuously reflecting back some part of me that I can not see. I have learned that any preoccupation towards someone has everything to do with me. How and what I see in others is a projection of some part of me. I express my worry, concern and care as well as judgments of others as a reflection of the issues I am resolving within myself. Owning what I think and feel about anyone and everything as an expression of myself, helps me to accept the feelings I have. It is reassuring to know that when I am neither able nor ready to deal with certain issues directly; there is a natural mechanism that allows me to deal safely with these issues by projecting them away from me through an objective perspective. When I allow myself the spectrum of my emotions, including my hate and judgment; it is an act of self acceptance and self love that opens me up to a deeper self compassion and therefore truer compassion towards others. A far cry from the forced and shallow compassion I was trying to have as an untouched observer. It is interesting that solicitude has the same root as solicit; as if solicitude were to mean we solicit other’s state of being for our benefit. How great that we all benefit, since it is part of the perfection of being human!

The Misunderstood Ego

Seeking the deeper truth always has been a driving force in my life. When we look beyond the obvious, beneath the surface, there lies the key to compassion and a deeper consciousness of what is. The how and why of human behaviour and emotions are the least obvious to our understanding. The underlying motivators are unconscious issues and emotions. The operative word here is “unconscious”; which literally means we are not aware of what is at play in our acting out. Let us take the ego as an example as it is a popular subject of human behaviour. In my experience the ego is a very misunderstood vital part of our existence because its active role and reason for being is less than obvious and it is easily judged for its appearance. It is often seen as a shady and destructive side of our character as it often acts out in ways we judge as shameful and distasteful. What is not evident is that the ego is a warrior. It is instantly ready to go to war for our fears; it will fight tooth and nail to try to survive by protecting and hiding the weak and vulnerable in us. Like a protector and saviour it comes to our rescue putting forth an image of superiority, strength, intelligence, anything it can creatively gather to use as armour that will hopefully be impenetrable by the enemy: our judgment of what is weak. The ego is often described as non-loving; something we need to eradicate from our being and our actions. I don’t believe one can survive being human without the ego actively expressing itself. It is an instinctual natural reaction to bring the ego to the frontline for our inner battles. We hide behind it; we put it forth as an archetype of strength (usually what is regarded as masculine), when we feel unable to show ourselves as we are. It comes down to accepting the ways in which we survive. In my experience, paying close attention to the ego and how it expresses itself, giving it room and space to be; there lies a wealth of opportunity for self-awareness and self-healing. For instance being aware of when we are expressing the need to be right or better than others; acting self righteous; arrogant or acting/feeling superior in some way. Often we do not like who we are being in that moment yet there is such a strong impulse to react as we do. Compassion evolves from becoming aware of what lies beneath the facade of the active ego. What is revealed: are the vulnerable, fragile parts of us that feel weak and desperate not to be seen. It helps to understand that the external behaviour is the exact opposite of what we are feeling deep down and that we compensate by cleverly masking the truth of that feeling. When we feel weak in some way; we put out a mask of being strong, including using our physical strength. When we feel wrong; we need to express and act out how right we are; especially more right than whomever we feel wrong in comparison to. When we feel inferior; we protect ourselves by acting superior, our unconscious gathers information on how we can support the belief that we are superior in some way and we act it out. It is obvious when you think about it, yet while in reactive mode witnessing either our own ego or someone else’s acting out, it is far from evident, and we tend to stay stuck on the outer layer of truth. There is an infinite amount of ways that we mask our inner vulnerabilities and perceived deficiencies from the outside and through our actions. Controlling our environment and others for instance is the way we express feeling insecure and powerless over certain parts of our life. Outside control is a way to seek a release from the discomfort inside of not being in our own power. Observing oneself becoming controlling is a great indicator and an opportunity for self‑awareness. To question: what is it that I am feeling powerless about? Giving it attention and space by observing its expression, rather than trying to squelch and censor it; transforms how we feel and how we act out. Compassion and self-acceptance begins with the awareness and understanding of our own behaviours and their underlying emotions. All our fears and issues stem from real life experiences; usually from our youth, which is stored and imprinted in our energy and unconscious. Those fears will express with or without our awareness through our actions and behaviours. It is how we release and heal ourselves naturally.