What Kind of Mother Leaves her Daughter? A Bad Mother? A Loving Mother?

Today I face more clearly the fact that I am not a part of my daughter’s life...her daily life since she was 17. Yes I am part of her life in the sense that we talk, share, see each other sporadically when the opportunity arises. However I am not the kind of mother I thought I was going to be, implicated directly and profoundly in her everyday life. I use to be....I use to be the biggest part of her life and she of mine...I was a doting mother...an obsessive mother....like all mothers my being a mother was the most important thing in my life: I was dependent on my role as a mother. It was a huge part of my identity. Being Jenica’s mother defined me and every moment and every thought of my day. From the time she was born I hardly left her side....never had her baby sat, left her a few times with her dad and with my sister not more than once or twice, until she was 3. Just before her 3^rd birthday I left for 3 months to France with her, where I had her all to myself for the whole time. I left to stay with my family in France after I found out that I was living a lie with her father; believing we were a solid and united family; when in truth we had been falling apart and he had been seeing another woman for 3 years.

Upon our return after trying to make things work and overcome the tragedy of the reality of what was, it became clear that we did not have what it took to repair the lost trust and broken hearts. From that moment on I lived a life which took an abrupt turn in a direction that was hugely difficult for me; one where I would forever be separated from my baby part of her life. It feels so unfair at this moment to realize that I had to make that passage at such a premature moment of both our mother daughter relationship. I was robbed of a normal motherhood when my daughter was only 3 yrs old. She was robbed of a normal life with a mother by her side constantly at the age of 3!!! It was either she had both her parents 50% of the time or lost one of them all the time or most of the time. Neither one of us was ready to back down from being a parent. For the longest time I thought it was in my power to choose; that any court of law would have handed me my daughter; because of her father’s actions and behaviours that led to the family break up. In reality we are and were all the creators of our lives; we all had equal power in choosing what took place...Jenica chose a life divided between two equal parents and so did we.

I have been judging myself harshly for having gone from such an obsessive mother to one who leaves her daughter; to let her go live her life with another family; her family with her dad, sister and step mother. I am aware this morning how it was gradual and how we were prepared many years ahead. We were separated when she was 3 not when she was 17. We learned to live apart part from the get go. We learned to have a life separate from one another; with some areas of our lives where the other does not participate in. Regardless of our separation so many years ago; I gave my motherhood the largest part of importance in my life. Even though I had time to myself, weekends, studies, jobs, friends, boyfriends, travel apart from Jenica; Jenica was so enmeshed into my existence that looking back I can’t feel where it is we were separated. It is confusing. How could I have lived a life separate from her; as an individual and feel so connected; so a part of her? I projected myself so much in her....I think it probably saved both our lives that we did have time apart....I was too obsessive...too enthralled with her existence... I think we both needed the breathing room. I judge myself so much to be overbearing ....was it because of our separate lives? Did the fact that we were separate part of the time make me more obsessive and more overbearing to make up for the loss time? Am I still doing that? I am constantly torn between the fear of not being there enough for her and of being too much in her face......I have let go so much; I give her so much breathing room...I give us, I,  so much more breathing room.....sometimes I am afraid it is too much.... I am constantly afraid I am losing her...that I have lost her...because I constantly keep letting go of my dependence....my need...to be important to her; for her to be more important to me...than I am to myself.....

It makes no sense to me that I am able to live my life away from Jenica; 160 km away; with no part in her daily activities except by following her schedule; her life through facebook; sending texts, messages, and talking to her almost daily. True; I never let her forget I exist... that I am interested in her; in her life; in how she feels; what she needs. Yet we live separate lives. I live a life where she hardly has any participation in; except when she visits which is occasional. She lives a life where I have no place in except in her sharing of it. Which is also a normal part of her being 20; when I lived with my mom at 20 I hardly ever saw her; I was not part of her daily activities much either.... 

Somehow I still feel so connected so tied to her and I ask myself if I am lying to myself? Am I not facing that I no longer have the same importance in her life; that I am not a part of her life? In those moments I fear I am just a memory....a part of her past. Yes it’s true; I no longer have the same importance....to a child, a mother or parent, especially to an only child: is everything, it is their whole world and to that parent that child is what the world revolves around. So we both don’t have the same importance in each other’s lives as we use to; we live a more varied; open; healthy life with many people in it; with many options of experiences besides each other. It must be part of any parent child normal process of growing up...moving on....evolving. It doesn’t mean we no longer are important to each other. Jenica is open to me; she shares herself with me; reaches out when she wants, can. She shares things with me; she can not with others, just like I am sure she shares some things with her friends, step mother, she can't share with me. We are very open to one another and are open to express our truths with one another; including frustration and anger.

Yes she lives in someone else home than mine; with another mother figure; although I think her step mom more like a sibbling, friend than a parental figure eventhough she is her sister's mother. They share more of their daily lives together than we do and sure that threatens the insecure parts of me that fear; being replaced; the parts of me that fear being invaluable as a mother; obsolete. No one replaces a mother especially not the kind I have been; they can only enhance; add, complete but never replace. Amen to that!