Life in High Definition

Life in High Definition
Photo by Normand Duval

Friday 11 November 2011

The Dance of Life

I feel so trapped.....trapped in my body, trapped in my life, in my gender, in my role as a mother, sister daughter, spouse, friend...Trapped by inner restrictions, constrictions, shoulds, have tos, can’ts, shan’ts...

I want out! I want wings to fly high in the sky! I want to look down and never go back....I want to fly higher and higher, lighter and lighter, freer and freer....

Let me be!!! Damn you!! Stop telling me who and how I should be!!! Get off of me.... you weigh me down, you depress me!!!

YOU who tries to guide me and tell me what is right from wrong....you who tells me what I should think, what I should say, how I should act, react, like it or not.....
Fuck off leave me alone!!! Let me be!! Let me find my own way....let me feel myself!!! I CAN’T HEAR, I CAN’T FEEL WITH ALL YOUR VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! BACK OFF!! FUCK THE HELL OFF!!

I need space, I need room, I need nothingness, to see, feel and observe who I am....I want out.....I want to be alone....so I can be wild and free....and discover who I really am without all the labels, identities and masks....

Why so hard to just be one self... and why so important to belong? When all I long for is to be me all along?

Do I fear who I am will scare you or woo you? If I woo you I will have to carry you...and my weight is already more than I can bare.....If I scare you, you will run away or not be yourself around me....So best I just shoo you all away! 

Shoo shoo shoo shooo SHHHHOOOOOOO!!!! Off with you!!!

Ok!!!        OKAY!!!    YOU CAN STAY!!!

I will hear what you have to say....Just one at a time please... I want to hear and be present to your essence , what and who you are and what you represent to me...how you make me feel, vibrate and irate! Sure we all have a right to exist...you must understand however that my utmost desire and responsibility IS to exist...and at times I will do whatever it takes at any cost... to survive and exist in the moment....The most painful moments, make me want to run away, far away. The moments when I say who I am should go away....

I am here to stay.... sorry to say... No one and nothing can make me go away. Like it or not, hate it or not this is who and where I am; which is, ironically and thankfully (at times); most likely to sway. This too shall pass...so allow me this dance, this chance!  Yet how, when we are such opposites? Do I mind you stepping on my feet, you ask...hmm...well yes some....and yet I know we can get along. 

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