Article on Solicitude for Le Tour Newspaper

The reflection of who I am in the mirror of who you are.
Solicitude is not a word that is part of my vocabulary; I have never used it in speech nor in writing, nevertheless, it is something I have engaged in for most of my waking moments. I grew up believing that to worry about others and focus on them rather than myself was synonymous with being loving. As a young girl I soon learned that an important part of my role in the world was to comfort and soothe others pain as well as to decipher their every need so that I could fulfill them, or at least try to. In truth taking on a role of such importance was essential to the parts of me that felt insignificant. At thirty I decided to make a career of it, seeing I was so gifted at being present to other people’s pain. My passion was ignited by the experience of using my own pain as a source of empowerment to grow and expand as an individual and developed fervour for helping others to do the same. I returned to university and studied psychology. With a master’s degree in counselling psychology I finally had a license to practice solicitude for a living! My inner struggles began during my internship as I stayed awake at night reliving the sessions with the students I was counselling; feeling their pain. I was torn; I did not want to lose my compassion and yet felt I could not survive if I continued to be so open. It was important for me to feel compassion and struggled with the idea of becoming that detached, unemotional and objective, therapist I thought my McGill professors wanted me to be. The Latin words tabula rasa: an erased tablet or blank slate, echoed in my mind. To stay real and allow myself to feel the flow of emotions that touched me personally in the moment did not seem to be an option. I was afraid to be incompetent and unconsciously chose to put on the mask of an expert who had it all together. It was obvious no one would want a professional therapist falling apart during their sessions! I had to somehow disguise the weight of the pain and the pressure to save others that I was putting on myself. My life experience has showed me since, that living fully my own emotions; allowing them to be and express, makes me feel more solid and present in the moment than when I kept them “under control” and hidden. After having experienced the discomfort of being a professional and human being that felt false and inadequate at times; it became crucial for me to be real and to look after my own emotional well being above all else. I have learned to accept that at times I feel inadequate and need to protect myself by hiding behind a mask, and that when I feel insignificant, I need to hide behind an illusion of importance through the role I play for others. There are times when I am not in touch with my inner power: my ability to take care of and protect myself from within. In those moments I need to believe in the illusion of being separate from the world; wanting to live in a fish bowl for fear of being hurt and affected by things outside of me. As I continuously grow and experience my ability to take care of myself, my perspective shifts gradually and naturally towards seeing myself more at the center of my own universe, where I am in my power and the outside world is helping me rather than harming me. The outside world is continuously reflecting back some part of me that I can not see. I have learned that any preoccupation towards someone has everything to do with me. How and what I see in others is a projection of some part of me. I express my worry, concern and care as well as judgments of others as a reflection of the issues I am resolving within myself. Owning what I think and feel about anyone and everything as an expression of myself, helps me to accept the feelings I have. It is reassuring to know that when I am neither able nor ready to deal with certain issues directly; there is a natural mechanism that allows me to deal safely with these issues by projecting them away from me through an objective perspective. When I allow myself the spectrum of my emotions, including my hate and judgment; it is an act of self acceptance and self love that opens me up to a deeper self compassion and therefore truer compassion towards others. A far cry from the forced and shallow compassion I was trying to have as an untouched observer. It is interesting that solicitude has the same root as solicit; as if solicitude were to mean we solicit other’s state of being for our benefit. How great that we all benefit, since it is part of the perfection of being human!