Recession and Crisis Creating Abundance

Would you believe me if I said that going through my own recession has helped me to feel more abundance? When facing the financial and environmental crisis of our planet, I am comforted by my own experience of deep inner crisis. I believe this collective experience is good and necessary and one from which we will all benefit. After almost a year of caring for my mother through cancer until her death my perspective on life changed profoundly. It was only much later however that my awareness of this caught up with me . It was beyond mourning and the void I felt in me, after my mother’s passing, it was the reality and the illusions of life and death that awaken and help you confront your most existential fears. The transformation that ensued led me to a growing inner freedom and power. I was quickly freeing myself from many restrictions and inner rules that no longer applied. This new freedom allowed me to take some risks that were previously off limits, the kind that went against the good old judgment of reason and restraint. Despite the incessant questioning and self-doubt, I had a pervading feeling to trust myself in making decisions that would previously have seemed outrageous to me. Having an excellent credit record, I was offered a $20,000 credit line by my bank and I was able to lease a car for four years without any proof of sufficient income even though I was enjoying a two-year sabbatical without revenue. I saw this as a positive sign that I was heading in the right direction. I was feeling more creative and confident than ever and truly believed I was on the road to success. What I was not aware of, was that being more open with myself, I was freer to express the deeper hidden desires of wanting to be seen, recognized and valued. In our society, the vehicle for expressing those longings is by looking for proof of our worth through our performances and achievements and with money, possessions and status. After a year and a half of an idyllic and abundant existence between the city and Sutton, spending quality time with both my daughter and the man I love, I was about to discover another reality. In my mind there was no excuse for me not to create sufficient income. I am laden with an arsenal of high employability qualifications and have a history of being financially independent. My conditioning was clashing with my inner stirrings; a strong contradiction emerged. On the surface I felt my issues expressing the need for recognition and proof of my worth the only way I knew. Yet I was feeling my powerlessness and lack of impetus of going in that direction as something much stronger in me was pushing the exact opposite way . Despite my inner voice insistently repeating, “Trust yourself”, I felt as if I was heading towards a precipice - one I was resisting with all my might. What was to come was the furthest of anything I could have fathomed. I was facing all of my worst fears which began with the fear of losing my daughter; and not being able to provide for her. It resumed with the terror of my not being able to provide for my most basic of needs. It all happened very quickly, I declared bankruptcy, sold most of my possessions, and gave away the rest to empty the apartment I could no longer afford. My daughter moved in with her dad, step mother and new baby sister. I returned the car and got rid of my cell phone. I cut back most of my expenses by moving to Abercorn with my partner, Normand, who himself was struggling with accepting and enjoying his retirement . The truth is that I was ready and able to face my worst fears: to disassociate from the things I used as an illusion of strength and fulfilment. As tragic as it felt, for a short time it was the greatest of my successes - inner success. I understand now that the clear message to trust myself and the feeling that I was on the road to success came from a much deeper source than my conditioning. A part of me with tremendous trust in my strength and ability was cheering me on in a direction that appeared self-destructive. I have not only survived my worst fears of subsistence, I am freer to feel what lay beneath the illusions of my not being enough - a truer sense of who I am. I am not only freer to live the kind of life I have always longed for but more open to take in its bounty. I am living at a much gentler, loving pace, surrounded by open spaces. I have a deeper, truer relationship not only with my partner, my daughter and myself but also with life. It is evident now that I needed a great big push to help me to break free from the obstacles within myself. It makes me wonder if what we need the most is not what we fear the most.