The power of the unconscious

I had a big awareness while visiting my mother's tomb yesterday. I feel connected to my mother without going to the site where her urn is yet being there with the energy of people connecting to their loss and sadness helped me to go deeper within my own sorrow.

Being with adolescent girls expressing about their mothers the night before brought me back to the time of my life where my mother's opinion of me was crucial in guiding my life. This obvious to me now continues on well past the death of our mothers  as I was irrationally crying like a big baby on the ground in front of the mauseleum asking my mother for guidance! Actually I was asking her to help me have some awareness about the sorrow I was feeling and what it was related to.

I knew there was something more profound than the anger at her for hiding behind her husband's name and not celebrating all of who she was all of her life as an individual. What came to me was something not easy to digest, something I had been resisting to feel quite understandably. The message was coming in bits and pieces, I am no longer sure if I am getting the message from my mother or whether it is only and all about me and I am giving myself the message when I am ready with the help of another's energy. It started with my belief that I was continuing my mother's cancer, or that I believed I WAS her cancer. Unconsciously part of me has believed to be like her cancer which disrobed her gradually more and more of her dignity and of her masks. The truth of her vulnerability could no longer be kept hidden behind the illusions of the body, and its ability to protect by fooling others into believing one is infallible, invincible, and in control of one's life.I had begun my own journey before my mother's death, of facing myself and of uncovering the tricks and illusions I had been unconsciously using to hide my own vulnerability and fallibility. Many of the issues I was facing within me were related or connected to issues passed down not only genetically but also through the conditioning of those around me. My mother's illness and death accentuated the delineation of these issues in me.

As I keep unravelling the illusions and the lies about myself that are related to my mother, to the legacy of issues and emotional blockages, I inherited through her, about relationships, about being a woman, a mother, I have unconsciously felt as if I am continuously disrobing her of her dignity, of her masks, just like the cancer did. I have been carrying this ever since she got sick actually, since I had identified with the cancer having begun facing the lies and illusions long before she died.Identifying this helps to unblock a huge part of my energy, releasing and transforming the blockages within me into more open and flowing spaces!